Maintaining Relationships When You Have Depression

Depression symptoms aren't just hard on the depressed person. They can take a toll on all the people in his or her life. Learn the importance of communication, understanding, and depression support.

By Chris Iliades, MD

Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

Depression symptoms like lack of energy, loss of interest, and withdrawal can make being in a relationship very difficult.Depression can be painful for the depressed person and for people who care about that person.

"A depressed person is very tough to be in a relationship with,” says Irina Firstein, LCSW, a New York City psychotherapist with 20 years of experience treating depression. “There may be no joy or any kind of positive energy coming from them. It is hard to be with someone who is down, dark, and cannot see good in anything. The depressed person may lose interest in normal activities, sex, food, and relationships." Friends, family, and a significant other may have trouble understanding these changes.

The effect of depression on your relationship may depend on who is depressed. Women and men often respond differently to depression. Women tend to experience sadness, guilt, and a lack of self-worth, while men may react to depression with anger, frustration, or even abuse. How depression affects a relationship may also depend on the breakdown of responsibilities at home and work.

Firstein adds that the person in a relationship with a depressed partner often feels alone, helpless, and sometimes even angry. “It is not only that you don't really have a partner, you can feel like you are pushing a boulder uphill. Depression symptoms can make communication difficult.”

Understanding Depression Symptoms

If you have depression, it’s important for you and your loved ones to understand that depression is not anyone's fault. Depression is a medical condition, not a weakness. People who do not understand depression may react with anger or criticism. "I think that people who are depressed usually know it, and it is helpful if they can say to their partner that they are depressed, and that this will pass," says Firstein.

Here are some tips for communicating with loved ones about depression:

• Share your feelings. Keeping your feelings inside creates distance.
• Show you care. Let your loved ones know that even though you are struggling with depression symptoms, you still care about them. If you have lost interest in sex, your partner needs to know that he or she is still desirable.
• Consider family or couples therapy. Your loved ones will learn more about depression, and therapy will reinforce how vital these relationships are for recovery. "It is important for the depressed person's partner to learn about the illness,” explains Firstein. “It is helpful for them to go to the treatment and speak to the psychiatrist or therapist and be informed about progress or lack of it."
• Set realistic expectations. Once your loved ones understand depression symptoms, it will be easier for them to accept that you will be struggling some days. Let them know what you can and can't do, and keep working toward recovery.

How Loved Ones Can Offer Depression Support

Let the people you care about know that you will get better, and ask them to be patient and help you through treatment. Ask loved ones to:

• Offer encouragement and hope.
• Invite you to social activities and to exercise.
• Not push too hard. Comments like "snap out of it" or "get over it" don't help. Depression treatment takes time.
• Take an active role in getting you through treatment, but not try to take over. You may seem overwhelmed, but you need to go at your own speed.
• Never ignore anything you say about ending your life. These thoughts should always be considered significant, and they should tell your doctor or therapist about them even if you don't.

You can overcome relationship difficulties by helping your friends and loved ones understand that depression is a medical condition that will get better with treatment. Depression support is important for the depressed person and it is also important for their family members. For help finding treatment, information, and support, visit the Web site ofMental Health America.