Sex-education
Posted by: "Chitra Jha" chitrajhaa@gmail.com
Sun Jun 2, 2013 10:43 pm
*Sex, Sexuality and Parenting *
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Sex education is not about sex and how to have sex. This is the first thing
that parents need to keep in mind while imparting this basic and very
important knowledge to children.
I feel the very idea of sex and the actual act of sex and the related fears
and morality surrounding it has made talking of sex so difficult for
parents. The moment we utter the word sex, images pop up in our minds.
Think of the images and look at them closely is what I tell parents. Are
these images loving and kind or are they fearful and violent?
If the word sex evokes fearful and violent images or feelings in the body
of the parent, then the parent is in need of healing in these regions.
Childhood memories of sexual wounds, moralizing by parents, imprints from
media like books, magazines or films, impressions from conversations
overheard by children from adults, the subtle relationships between the
sexes that the parent as a child was exposed to and the experiences of
gender politics at home and the larger community in which the parent grew
up, all together play a key role in the kind of associations that the word
sex has for a parent while parenting.
Hence it is of paramount importance that the parent works at healing one’s
own sexual wounds and clearing one’s own perceptions about sex and
sexuality. That is the only way a parent can ensure raising one’s child
holistically without repeating the inflictions of sexual wounds that the
parent herself was perhaps a victim of.
The first thing to keep in mind is that sex is not the same as sexuality.
The healthiest way to ensure that the child grows up with a healthy sense
of sexual self is for the parent to accept that my child and I are both
sexual beings.
What does that mean?
*What is the meaning of ‘sexual beings’?*
It is the conscious awareness of the truth that we are biological beings
who breathe, eat, and procreate. To accept deeply that we are sexual beings
is to acknowledge the biological truth that we were born of sex and not of
immaculate conceptions from virgin mothers!
Before I delve deeper into sexuality and sex I like to explain what are
sense organs and action organs.
That we are alive and have desires that pull us to beauty or ugliness is
proof that we are organic beings who are making sense of this world of ours
with our senses. Our senses are divided into two categories:
Sense organs:
1. Eyes
2. Ears
3. Nose
4. Tongue
5. Skin
Action organs
1. Hands
2. Feet
3. Mouth
4. Anus
5. Genitals
In any human being the sense organs are stimulated by the world she lives
in and the mind acts as a processing lab which then transmits messages from
our sense organs to our action organs.
*We cannot change our sense organs. We cannot change our action organs. But
in the middle there is the mind, which we can change by changing our
perceptions. *That is why religion, culture, philosophy, education play
such an important role in shaping our minds.
The Buddha rightly said, “ We are what we think.” Our actions are a result
of our thoughts. So the only way to change the way we live is to change our
thoughts or change the way we think.
I shall give an example to explain how this is possible. Say as a child one
was bitten by a dog while walking alone in a narrow lane while it was dusk.
The adults who took care of the child saw this and reacted by saying,
*“how many times have I told you not to walk alone in narrow lanes when it
is dark and how many times have I told you dogs are dangerous.”*
Now each time the child is in a dark place and alone the memories of that
incident and the reactions of the adults around it get triggered and the
fear persists, preventing the child from taking a chance and walk out in
the dark. The child grows up and the mind has buried that incidence in the
subconscious as the child was made to feel shame and guilt for having
walked alone in the dark where dogs reside. In the child’s adult life also
any situation that looks similar triggers feelings of fear, shame and guilt.
And the feelings of fear, shame and guilt persist to stop the adult from
taking paths that could actually lead to pleasant experiences, but instead
the adult freezes and is unable to walk out in freedom.
I have taken a milder example. But there could be similar experiences with
respect to sex and sexuality imprinted in the child’s mind that processes
all sensual stimuli on the bedrock of the same experience and results in
actions.
Hence experts say, “You are stuck in a habitual pattern of behavior.” *The
human being tries hard to change the situation by changing jobs, cities,
spouses, partners, friends, etc but cannot understand why she lands up in
the same situation each time.*
The reason is this, the mind is still processing the message coming from
the sense organs using the same imprint or knowledge and then transmitting
the old ways to act with the action organs.
Now let us see what happens if the adult who took care of the child when it
was bitten by dog, responded in a different way. The child is bitten by the
dog, and the adult takes the child in her arms and comforts the child for
the pain and hurt. The adult takes the child for medical attention and
keeps talking to the child by saying endearing words like. “It is ok honey.
You couldn’t have known that the dog would bite. It could happen to
anyone.” If the adult refrains from making associations like “the dog bit
as all dogs bite or dogs bite in dark lanes, or it is dangerous to walk in
the dark. So you deserve what happened to you. You should have listened to
me and not gone out in the dark and stayed away from dogs,” then there are
chances that the child will not feel shame, fear and guilt for the
unpleasant experience. *If the adult just attended to the wound of the
child and overlooked the cause of the wound and didn’t give that, much
importance then the chances of the wound healing without any deep imprints
in the minds is far greater.*
Such a child will grow up with a better chance to cope with unpleasant
experiences in life, and will be better equipped to handle risks and new
paths. Such a child will have a fair chance to not feel guilty when things
do not go as expected and such a child will not indulge in self blame or
blaming others for misfortunes.
*Why is this understanding of sense organs, mind and action organs
important to understand sexuality and sex?*
It is important because, imprints about sexuality and sex on a child’s mind
will pretty much determine how it conducts itself as an adult.
*It is well known that adults who were sexually abused as children find it
very hard to trust people and find it very hard to sustain healthy and
wholesome relationships. *
The reason being the sense organs and the actions organs were violated by
someone who the child trusted. And hence the child grows up to never trust
one’s own senses organs and all actions stem from this mistrust. The mind
is imprinted with mistrust and a sense of shame and fear for one’s own self.
Such children need a lot of healing and therapy before they can clear the
old perceptions from their mind about sex and sexuality, before they can
have any meaningful and wholesome relationship with themselves and the
opposite sex.
On a milder note parents need to take care of their language and modes of
retribution that are used to impart messages about sex organs and genitals
to the child.
I shall explain with an example. Young children often make sense of their
own body and action organs with the help of sense organs by stimulating
them. One will often find toddlers putting things into their mouths, nose
or ears. It could be unsafe if the child puts dirty and small objects into
these organs, but certainly not shameful to do so. It is simply an act of
experiment for the child and a process used by children to make sense of
their bodies.
Most parents make a big hue and cry of this. Most adults I have seen, jump
up and rush to the child and snatch the things out of the child’s hands by
saying loudly this: “*Stop, NO, Chi chi, that is not good..etc*”.
The child often gets frightened and cries. Is there a better way to handle
this?
I think there is. Try providing the child with larger objects to smell and
taste. Try gently explaining to the child using sentences like, “I know you
want to get a feel of these things, but you know small things might get
stuck in your throat or nose or ears and that can cause damage to your
body.” And do this consistently. *Children are wiser than we think they are.
* They are the most perceptive when younger. Use this opportunity to feed
fearless perceptions into the child’s mind.
The same principle operates with sex organs and genitals. Most children
like to play with their penis or vagina. If the adult were to look at this
act as another version of putting things in the mouth, nose and ear then to
handle this would be much easier too.
As the child is doing the same thing, i.e. making sense of its body and
sense and action organs. But as adults we are already shameful of our own
genitals and feelings in that region so we project that on our children and
say things like: *“Chi chi, shame shame, dirty place don’t touch, you will
fall sick if you touch your willy or pussy”!*
It could be embarrassing for the parent to watch this. One way to deal with
this is to allow the child to bathe in tubs or splash pools and talk gently
to the child about the genitals and say things like: “Does it feel good
when you touch your penis or vagina?” “It is ok to feel good, but try not
to do it in front of any one other than mum or dad, as some people might
harm you. You could do it in the bath as long as you wish to or in bed when
you are alone with mum.” Talk to the grandparents about this too and stand
up for your child.
This way the child learns a few things about its body:
1. The names of all its sense and action organs and learns to call them
by their real names and not nicknames and also learns about their true
functions.
2. The child learns to love and respect all parts of the body.
3. The child learns how to protect its body from damage and harm.
4. The child also learns about good touch and bad touch.
5. The child also learns about pleasure and pain of the body.
All this learning goes a long way to help the child to grow up with a
healthy sense of self and body.
Such children know their bodies well and hence are better equipped to take
care of themselves and report to parents when some kind of abuse happens.
They also learn to protect themselves from potential abusers.
They also grow up to be adults who can have healthy sexual relationships
and know when to stay away from abusive ones.
But before a parent can embark on a journey of imparting sexual education
to her child, she needs to heal herself of possible wounds that were
inflicted on her when she was a child.
The only way to heal oneself as an adult is to do things differently with
our children. *Children give us adults the opportunity to treat ourselves
better than we were treated by our parents and the society. *
Sex and sexuality need not be feared. Sexuality has to be embraced with
love and kind attention, as a healthy sexual self is capable of living and
loving courageously and abundantly.
*A few points to remember:*
1. Do not shame your child for touching and exploring genitals and other
sexual parts.
2. Do not discourage your child from asking questions related to birth,
conceptions and sex.
3. Do not force information when not asked by the child.
4. Keep an open mind and create an environment of freedom and trust with
your child from the very start so that your child feels comfortable in
approaching you for sex and sexuality related questions. If you feel
inadequate, seek professional help or seek the help of a friend you trust
or read up on internet and from books. But do get back to your child and do
not avoid.
5. Answer all questions in a very matter of fact way. Avoid emotions
while responding to such questions and avoid moralizing while answering
such questions. Try and simply answer what is asked without any
interpretations.
6. Do not push too much. If the child is happy with an answer, let the
child be. Do not prod too much. If the child comes back again, answer again.
7. Try and watch films with simple love scenes like kissing, hugging,
couples lying naked in bed with sheets on them. There are many such movies.
Watch them with love and compassion without fear.
8. Try and display physical affection to your spouse in front of your
child. Kiss and embrace more often in front of your child. Cuddle up with
your spouse more often in the presence of your child. That way the child
sees what healthy physical intimacy between opposite sexes is like. Touch,
feel, hug, kiss and massage your child’s body a lot so that the child is
not left needy of physical affection and touch.
9. Stand up against sexual and physical violence in your family. Do not
put up with any abuse from spouse. Do not hide this from your child and
pretend all is well. Know what is wrong and right. That way your child will
also know what is acceptable and what is not and will grow up to be a
responsible adult who respects girls and women. And daughters will grow up
knowing when to say, “NO”.
10. Talk about other sexual orientations like homosexuality and
lesbianism and transgender when your child is a little older. Teach them to
be respectful of eunuchs and explain the science of it to them.
11. Discuss as a family, about media stories on rape and child abuse
and engage your older children in conversation and allow them to express
their views without moral sermons. Ask them what they feel should be done
to stop sexual violence.
12. Mostly educate yourself about sex and your own sexuality.
Leave the rest to God!
-Dola Dasgupta
--
Chitra Jha
Author
Mentor
Holistic Healer
Thought Provoker
Passionate Speaker
Empowerment Coach
http://mylife-mysuccess.blogsp
http://chitrabuddha.sulekha.co
http://thusspakechitrajha.
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