What Not to Say to a Depressed Person

By Therese Borchard

YOUR REACTION?

There is nothing worse than feeling like a complete utter failure, crying your eyes out, and then a well-intentioned person comes along and says something that, to your ears, sounds like: “You were right! You are, in fact, a loser.” Good intentions or not, the wrong words hurt. Awhile back, I published a piece,  “10 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person.” Among the no-no’s were:

1. It’s all in your head. You need to think positive.
2. You need to get out of yourself and give back to the community.
3. Why don’t you try and exercise?
4. Shop at Whole Foods and you will feel better.
5. Meditation and yoga are all you need.
6. Get a new job.
7. Are you happy in your relationship?
8. You have everything you need to get better.
9. Do you WANT to feel better?
10. Everyone has problems.

Everyday Health’s Andrea Bledsoe, Ph.D., recently compiled her own list of harmful one-liners to say to persons with bipolar disorder:

1. You’re crazy.
2. This is your fault.
3. You’re not trying.
4. Everyone has bad times.
5. You’ll be okay — there’s no need to worry.
6. You’ll never be in a serious romantic relationship.
7. What’s the matter with you?
8. I can’t help you.
9. You don’t have to take your moods out on me — I’m getting so tired of this.

Still more can be found on Margarita Tartakovsky’s list at PsychCentral.com.

So what, on earth, can you say? I found these responses helpful when I was in buried in depression:

1. Can I relieve your stress in any way?
2. What do you think might help you to feel better?
3. Is there something I can do for you?
4. Can I drive you somewhere?
5. Where are you getting your support?
6. You won’t always feel this way.
7. Can you think of anything contributing to your depression?
8. What time of day is hardest for you?
9. I’m here for you.

Subscribe to Sanity Break

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/

Dr. Mercola suggests: Vitamins Offer Hope for Alzheimer's

Vitamins Offer Hope for Alzheimer's

By Dr. Mercola

In the United States, Alzheimer's disease is currently at epidemic proportions, with 5.4 million Americans—including one in eight people aged 65 and over—living with the disease, according to the Alzheimer's Association's 2011 Alzheimer's Disease Facts and Figures¹.
By 2050, this is expected to jump to 16 million, and in the next 20 years, it is projected that Alzheimer's will affect one in four Americans, rivaling the current prevalence of obesity and diabetes.
There is still no known cure for this devastating disease, and very few treatments. Alzheimer's drugs are often of little to no benefit at all, which underscores the importance of prevention throughout your lifetime.
Research repeatedly suggests the best hope for patients lies in prevention through optimal diet, exercise and staying socially and mentally active. As recently reported by Forbes²:

“[A] new study in Science suggested that last year’s ‘breakthrough’ pharmaceutical, bexarotene (Targretin) – a cancer drug that had initially received wide publicity for helping break up the plaques in Alzheimer’s – doesn’t seem to do this very well at all, and can have significant adverse side effects for the patient.

‘Something happened in that initial report – either something technically or otherwise, which we can’t put our hands on at this point in time,” study author Sangram Sisodia told US News & World Report. ‘Something is seriously wrong.’

While memory loss is common among Westerners, it is NOT a "normal" part of aging. Research has shown that even mild "senior moments" are caused by the same brain lesions associated with Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia. These cognitive changes are by no means inevitable!
People who experience very little decline in their cognitive function up until their deaths have been found (post-mortem) to be free of brain lesions, showing that it's entirely possible to prevent the damage from occurring in the first place. At the end of this article, I share my best tips for maintaining healthy brain function well into old age.
In recent years, researchers studying natural compounds have offered new hope. For example, two recent studies suggest that compounds in cinnamon, as well as vitamins B12, B6, and folate may delay the onset and/or slow progression of the disease.

The Promise of Cinnamon and Vitamins in the Fight Against Alzheimer’s Disease

The first study in question, published in the Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease³, found that cinnamaldehyde and epicatechin, two compounds found in cinnamon, have an inhibitory effect on the aggregation of a particular protein called tau. Tau plays a large role in the structure and function of neurons.
But while a normal part of cell structures, this protein can begin to accumulate, forming “neurofibrillary tangles” that are a hallmark of Alzheimer’s disease. Both compounds were found to protect tau from oxidative damage that can lead to dysfunction.
Donald Graves, adjunct professor in UCSB's Department of Molecular, Cellular, and Developmental Biology and co-author of the study explained the protective process to Medical News Today⁴:

"'Take, for example, sunburn, a form of oxidative damage. If you wore a hat, you could protect your face and head from the oxidation. In a sense this cinnamaldehyde is like a cap. While it can protect the tau protein by binding to its vulnerable cysteine residues, it can also come off,' Graves added, which can ensure the proper functioning of the protein.”

It’s interesting to note that there’s a high correlation between type 2 diabetes and Alzheimer's disease. Some even believe Alzheimer’s may be a form of brain diabetes. Insulin and insulin receptors in your brain are crucial for learning and memory, and it’s known that these components are lower in people with Alzheimer’s disease.
In addition to the above findings, cinnamon has also been found to have beneficial effects on blood glucose management in type 2 diabetics. This is one of the reasons I include cinnamon in my healthy coconut candy recipe.

B Vitamins Again Show Promise in Alzheimer’s Prevention

The other study, published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences⁵, found that vitamins B6, B12, and folic acid may help slow the progression of the disease, confirming and supporting previous studies. As reported in the featured article⁶:

“The fact that B-family vitamins may play a significant role in dementia, or more specifically in warding it off has been consistently illustrated. What is news from the current study, however, is that high-dose B-vitamin treatment in people at risk for the disease ‘slowed shrinkage of whole brain volume,’ and especially reduced shrinkage in areas known to be affected in Alzheimer’s disease.”

The 156 study participants, all of whom were over the age of 70, were diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. This, along with midlife hypertension, midlife obesity and diabetes, is a known risk factor for Alzheimer’s. One group of participants received a placebo while the other received high-dose B-vitamin treatment consisting of:

• 0.8 mg folic acid
• 20 mg vitamin B6
• 0.5 mg vitamin B12

It is important to note that vitamin B12 comes in many forms and it is typically injected because it is not absorbed well by most people, especially in the elderly who need it most. This is due to it being one of the largest vitamins known. The most common form is cyanocobalamin but a better from would be methylcobalamin. A better alternative to B12 injections would also be sublingual sprays, which are absorbed very similarly to the injections.
The treatment effectively slowed shrinkage of the whole brain volume over the course of two years. It also reduced, by as much as seven-fold, the cerebral atrophy in certain brain regions that are particularly vulnerable to damage associated with Alzheimer’s disease. Another major boon: The supplements cost less than 50 cents a day and are readily available in pharmacies and health-food stores. In the placebo group, higher homocysteine levels at baseline were associated with faster atrophy in these same regions. According to the researchers⁷:

“We... show that the beneficial effect of B vitamins is confined to participants with high homocysteine... and that, in these participants, a causal Bayesian network analysis indicates the following chain of events: B vitamins lower homocysteine, which directly leads to a decrease in gray matter atrophy, thereby slowing cognitive decline.

Our results show that B-vitamin supplementation can slow the atrophy of specific brain regions that are a key component of the AD process and that are associated with cognitive decline.”

Dr. A. David Smith, professor emeritus of pharmacology at Oxford University, founding director of the Oxford Project to Investigate Memory and Ageing, and senior author of the study told Bloomberg News⁸ that this B-vitamin treatment is “the first and only disease-modifying treatment that’s worked. We have proved the concept that you can modify the disease.” This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who understands that without proper nutrition and exercise, your brain will be increasingly vulnerable to damage with age...

Vitamin B Cocktail Already Used for Dementia Prevention in Sweden

Three years ago, the same group of researchers showed that the atrophy rate in patients’ whole brains was reduced by about 30 percent in those taking the vitamin cocktail⁹. The atrophy rate was even higher—53 percent—in those who had elevated homocysteine levels, a benefit that was reconfirmed in the featured study. According to Bloomberg¹⁰:

“The studies, known as Vitacog, were funded by seven charities and government agencies and vitamin maker Meda AB of Solna, Sweden. Smith is an inventor on three patents held by Oxford University for B vitamin formulations to treat Alzheimer’s disease... Vitamin B12 is found in liver, fish and milk and folic acid in fruit and vegetables. Deficiency of folate and B vitamins is already linked to dementia...

Doctors in Sweden began measuring homocysteine in people who report declining memory about two years ago, said [Johan] Lokk [professor and head physician in the geriatric department at Karolinska University Hospital in Sweden, who wasn’t involved in the study]...

Swedish patients with high homocysteine are given folic acid and B vitamins, even if they aren’t deficient. ‘We think the increased homocysteine level could be deleterious to the brain,’ Lokk said. ‘We wanted to be on the offensive in diagnosing and treating patients. In our opinion, it is harmless and cheap.'”

General Anesthesia Could Increase Risk of Dementia in Elderly by 35 Percent

Related research suggests that being exposed to general anesthesia can increase the risk of dementia in the elderly by as much as 35 percent. The research was presented at the annual congress of the European Society of Anesthesiology (ESA). As reported by Medical News Today¹¹:

“Postoperative cognitive dysfunction, or POCD, could be associated with dementia several years later. POCD is a common complication in elderly patients after major surgery. It has been proposed that there is an association between POCD and the development of dementia due to a common pathological mechanism through the amyloid β peptide. Several experimental studies suggest that some anesthetics could promote inflammation of neural tissues leading to POCD and/or Alzheimer's disease (AD) precursors including β-amyloid plaques and neurofibrillary tangles.”

Participants aged 65 and over were followed for a total of 10 years. Participants exposed to at least one general anesthetic over the follow-up had a 35 percent increased risk of developing a dementia compared to those who were not exposed to anesthesia. According to lead researcher Dr. Francois Sztark¹²:

"These results are in favor of an increased risk for dementia several years after general anesthesia. Recognition of POCD is essential in the perioperative management of elderly patients. A long-term follow-up of these patients should be planned."

Tips for Avoiding Alzheimer's Disease

The beauty of following my revised Nutrition Plan is that it helps treat and prevent all chronic degenerative diseases, from the common ones like heart disease, diabetes, obesity and Alzheimer's to the ones you have never heard of or can't even pronounce. So please read the Plan as soon as you can. It is divided into three helpful sections, Beginner, Intermediate and Advanced to help you start at the right level.
The plan is the first step in addressing Alzheimer's disease, which is currently at epidemic proportions, with 5.4 million Americans – including one in eight people aged 65 and over – living with the disease.
Remember, while memory loss is indeed common among Westerners, it is NOT a "normal" part of aging, and cognitive changes are by no means inevitable. People who experience very little decline in their cognitive function up until their deaths have been found (post-mortem) to be free of brain lesions, showing that it's entirely possible to prevent the damage from occurring in the first place… and one of the best ways to do this is by leading a healthy lifestyle.

• Sugar and Fructose. Ideally, you’ll want to keep your sugar levels to a minimum and your total fructose below 25 grams per day, or as low as 15 grams per day if you have insulin resistance or any related disorders.
• Improve magnesium levels. There is some exciting preliminary research strongly suggesting a decrease in Alzheimer symptoms with increased levels of magnesium in the brain. Unfortunately, most magnesium supplements do not pass the blood brain levels, but a new one, magnesium threonate, appears to and holds some promise for the future for treating this condition and may be superior to other forms.
• Optimize your vitamin D levels with safe sun exposure. Strong links between low levels of vitamin D in Alzheimer's patients and poor outcomes on cognitive tests have been revealed. Researchers believe that optimal vitamin D levels may enhance the amount of important chemicals in your brain and protect brain cells by increasing the effectiveness of the glial cells in nursing damaged neurons back to health.
  
  Vitamin D may also exert some of its beneficial effects on Alzheimer's through its anti-inflammatory and immune-boosting properties. Sufficient vitamin D is imperative for proper functioning of your immune system to combat inflammation that is also associated with Alzheimer's.
  
• Keep your fasting insulin levels below 3. This is indirectly related to fructose, as it will clearly lead to insulin resistance. However other sugars (sucrose is 50 percent fructose by weight), grains and lack of exercise are also important factors. Lowering insulin will also help lower leptin levels which is another factor for Alzheimer’s.
• Vitamin B12: In addition to the research presented above, a small Finnish study published in the journal Neurology¹³ also found that people who consume foods rich in B12 may reduce their risk of Alzheimer's in their later years. For each unit increase in the marker of vitamin B12, the risk of developing Alzheimer's was reduced by two percent. Remember sublingual methylcobalamin may be your best bet here.
• Eat a nutritious diet, rich in folate, such as the one described in my nutrition plan. Vegetables, without question, are your best form of folate, and we should all eat plenty of fresh raw veggies every day. Avoid supplements with folic acid, which is the inferior synthetic version of folate.
• High-quality animal-based omega-3 fats, such as krill oil. (I recommend avoiding most fish because, although fish is naturally high in omega-3, most fish are now severely contaminated with mercury.) High intake of the omega-3 fats EPA and DHA help by preventing cell damage caused by Alzheimer's disease, thereby slowing down its progression, and lowering your risk of developing the disorder.
• Avoid and eliminate mercury from your body. Dental amalgam fillings, which are 50 percent mercury by weight, are one of the major sources of heavy metal toxicity. However you should be healthy prior to having them removed. Once you have adjusted to following the diet described in my optimized nutrition plan, you can follow the mercury detox protocol and then find a biological dentist to have your amalgams removed.
• Avoid aluminum, such as antiperspirants, non-stick cookware, vaccine adjuvants, etc.
• Exercise regularly. It's been suggested that exercise can trigger a change in the way the amyloid precursor protein is metabolized¹⁴, thus, slowing down the onset and progression of Alzheimer's. Exercise also increases levels of the protein PGC-1alpha. Research has also shown that people with Alzheimer's have less PGC-1alpha in their brains¹¹ and cells that contain more of the protein produce less of the toxic amyloid protein associated with Alzheimer's. I would strongly recommend reviewing the Peak Fitness Technique for my specific recommendations.
• Avoid flu vaccinations as most contain both mercury and aluminum, well-known neurotoxic and immunotoxic agents.
• Eat blueberries. Wild blueberries, which have high anthocyanin and antioxidant content, are known to guard against Alzheimer's and other neurological diseases. Like any fruit though, avoid excesses here.
• Challenge your mind daily. Mental stimulation, especially learning something new, such as learning to play an instrument or a new language, is associated with a decreased risk of Alzheimer's. Researchers suspect that mental challenge helps to build up your brain, making it less susceptible to the lesions associated with Alzheimer's disease.
• Avoid anticholinergic and statin drugs. Drugs that block acetylcholine, a nervous system neurotransmitter, have been shown to increase your risk of dementia. These drugs include certain nighttime pain relievers, antihistamines, sleep aids, certain antidepressants, medications to control incontinence, and certain narcotic pain relievers.

Statin drugs are particularly problematic because they suppress the synthesis of cholesterol, deplete your brain of coenzyme Q10 and neurotransmitter precursors, and prevent adequate delivery of essential fatty acids and fat-soluble antioxidants to your brain by inhibiting the production of the indispensable carrier biomolecule known as low-density lipoprotein.

Other Natural Treatments for Your Anti-Alzheimer's Arsenal

Finally, there are a few other nutritional recommendations worth noting for their specific benefits in preventing and treating dementia. So, although your fundamental strategy for preventing dementia should involve a comprehensive lifestyle approach, you may want to consider adding a few of these natural dietary agents to your anti-Alzheimer's arsenal. These four natural foods/supplements have good science behind them, in terms of preventing age-related cognitive changes:

1. Coconut Oil: The primary fuel your brain needs for energy is glucose. However, your brain is able to run on more than a single type of fuel, one being ketones (ketone bodies), or ketoacids. Ketones are what your body produces when it converts fat (as opposed to glucose) into energy.
   
   The medium-chain triglycerides (MCT) found in coconut oil are GREAT source of ketone bodies, because coconut oil is about 66 percent MCTs. In fact, ketones appear to be the preferred source of brain food in patients affected by diabetes or Alzheimer's.
   
2. Astaxanthin is a natural pigment with unique properties and many clinical benefits, including some of the most potent antioxidant activity currently known. As a fat-soluble nutrient, astaxanthin readily crosses your blood-brain barrier. One study¹⁵ found it may help prevent neurodegeneration associated with oxidative stress, as well as make a potent natural "brain food."
   
   The molecules of astaxanthin neutralize free radicals and other oxidants without being destroyed or becoming pro-oxidants themselves in the process. It's is a unique molecule whose shape allows it to precisely fit into a cell membrane and span its entire width. In this position, astaxanthin can intercept potentially damaging molecules before they can damage your cells.
   You can get some astaxanthin by taking krill oil, which is a fantastic omega-3 fat supplement. But you can boost your astaxanthin even MORE by adding a pure astaxanthin supplement to your nutritional regimen. For optimal absorption, make sure to take krill oil and/or astaxanthin with a fat-containing meal, since both are fat-soluble.
   
3. Gingko biloba: Many scientific studies have found that Gingko biloba has positive effects for dementia. Gingko, which is derived from a tree native to Asia, has long been used medicinally in China and other countries. A 1997 study from JAMA showed clear evidence that Gingko improves cognitive performance and social functioning for those suffering from dementia.
   
   Research since then has been equally promising. One study in 2006 found Gingko as effective as the dementia drug Aricept (donepezil) for treating mild to moderate Alzheimer's type dementia. A 2010 meta-analysis found Gingko biloba to be effective for a variety of types of dementia.
   
4. Alpha lipoic acid (ALA): ALA can stabilize cognitive functions among Alzheimer's patients and may slow the progression of the disease.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/06/13/alzheimers-dementia-treatment.aspx?e_cid=20130613_DNL_art_1&utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20130613

Why do people shout at each other when they are angry?

 
A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take a bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples, smiled and asked, 'Why do people shout at each other when they are angry?' 

The followers thought for a while. Then one of them said, 'Because we lose our peacefulness, we shout.'

'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.' asked the saint.

Followers gave some other answers but none satisfied the other followers. Finally, the saint explained,

'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either non-existent or very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, they only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally, they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

He looked at his followers and said:

'So, when you argue do not let your hearts get distant. Do not say words that distance each other more, or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.'

Sex-education

Sex-education

Posted by: "Chitra Jha" chitrajhaa@gmail.com

Sun Jun 2, 2013 10:43 pm

*Sex, Sexuality and Parenting *
<https://www.facebook.com/ezineKaleidoscope><http://twitter.com/#!/e_kaleidoscope&gt;<meetu.sehgal@ezinekaleidoscope.com>
More Sharing ServicesShare<http://www.addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=meetusehgal>
|Share on facebook<http://www.ezinekaleidoscope.com/sex-sexuality-and-parenting.html#>Share
on twitter<http://www.ezinekaleidoscope.com/sex-sexuality-and-parenting.html#>Share
on email<http://www.ezinekaleidoscope.com/sex-sexuality-and-parenting.html#>Share
on print<http://www.ezinekaleidoscope.com/sex-sexuality-and-parenting.html#>

[image: Picture]
Sex education is not about sex and how to have sex. This is the first thing
that parents need to keep in mind while imparting this basic and very
important knowledge to children.

I feel the very idea of sex and the actual act of sex and the related fears
and morality surrounding it has made talking of sex so difficult for
parents. The moment we utter the word sex, images pop up in our minds.
Think of the images and look at them closely is what I tell parents. Are
these images loving and kind or are they fearful and violent?

If the word sex evokes fearful and violent images or feelings in the body
of the parent, then the parent is in need of healing in these regions.
Childhood memories of sexual wounds, moralizing by parents, imprints from
media like books, magazines or films, impressions from conversations
overheard by children from adults, the subtle relationships between the
sexes that the parent as a child was exposed to and the experiences of
gender politics at home and the larger community in which the parent grew
up, all together play a key role in the kind of associations that the word
sex has for a parent while parenting.

Hence it is of paramount importance that the parent works at healing one’s
own sexual wounds and clearing one’s own perceptions about sex and
sexuality. That is the only way a parent can ensure raising one’s child
holistically without repeating the inflictions of sexual wounds that the
parent herself was perhaps a victim of.

The first thing to keep in mind is that sex is not the same as sexuality.
The healthiest way to ensure that the child grows up with a healthy sense
of sexual self is for the parent to accept that my child and I are both
sexual beings.

What does that mean?

*What is the meaning of ‘sexual beings’?*

It is the conscious awareness of the truth that we are biological beings
who breathe, eat, and procreate. To accept deeply that we are sexual beings
is to acknowledge the biological truth that we were born of sex and not of
immaculate conceptions from virgin mothers!

Before I delve deeper into sexuality and sex I like to explain what are
sense organs and action organs.

That we are alive and have desires that pull us to beauty or ugliness is
proof that we are organic beings who are making sense of this world of ours
with our senses. Our senses are divided into two categories:

Sense organs:

1. Eyes
2. Ears
3. Nose
4. Tongue
5. Skin

Action organs

1. Hands
2. Feet
3. Mouth
4. Anus
5. Genitals

In any human being the sense organs are stimulated by the world she lives
in and the mind acts as a processing lab which then transmits messages from
our sense organs to our action organs.

*We cannot change our sense organs. We cannot change our action organs. But
in the middle there is the mind, which we can change by changing our
perceptions. *That is why religion, culture, philosophy, education play
such an important role in shaping our minds.

The Buddha rightly said, “ We are what we think.” Our actions are a result
of our thoughts. So the only way to change the way we live is to change our
thoughts or change the way we think.

I shall give an example to explain how this is possible. Say as a child one
was bitten by a dog while walking alone in a narrow lane while it was dusk.
The adults who took care of the child saw this and reacted by saying,

*“how many times have I told you not to walk alone in narrow lanes when it
is dark and how many times have I told you dogs are dangerous.”*

Now each time the child is in a dark place and alone the memories of that
incident and the reactions of the adults around it get triggered and the
fear persists, preventing the child from taking a chance and walk out in
the dark. The child grows up and the mind has buried that incidence in the
subconscious as the child was made to feel shame and guilt for having
walked alone in the dark where dogs reside. In the child’s adult life also
any situation that looks similar triggers feelings of fear, shame and guilt.

And the feelings of fear, shame and guilt persist to stop the adult from
taking paths that could actually lead to pleasant experiences, but instead
the adult freezes and is unable to walk out in freedom.

I have taken a milder example. But there could be similar experiences with
respect to sex and sexuality imprinted in the child’s mind that processes
all sensual stimuli on the bedrock of the same experience and results in
actions.

Hence experts say, “You are stuck in a habitual pattern of behavior.” *The
human being tries hard to change the situation by changing jobs, cities,
spouses, partners, friends, etc but cannot understand why she lands up in
the same situation each time.*

The reason is this, the mind is still processing the message coming from
the sense organs using the same imprint or knowledge and then transmitting
the old ways to act with the action organs.

Now let us see what happens if the adult who took care of the child when it
was bitten by dog, responded in a different way. The child is bitten by the
dog, and the adult takes the child in her arms and comforts the child for
the pain and hurt. The adult takes the child for medical attention and
keeps talking to the child by saying endearing words like. “It is ok honey.
You couldn’t have known that the dog would bite. It could happen to
anyone.” If the adult refrains from making associations like “the dog bit
as all dogs bite or dogs bite in dark lanes, or it is dangerous to walk in
the dark. So you deserve what happened to you. You should have listened to
me and not gone out in the dark and stayed away from dogs,” then there are
chances that the child will not feel shame, fear and guilt for the
unpleasant experience. *If the adult just attended to the wound of the
child and overlooked the cause of the wound and didn’t give that, much
importance then the chances of the wound healing without any deep imprints
in the minds is far greater.*

Such a child will grow up with a better chance to cope with unpleasant
experiences in life, and will be better equipped to handle risks and new
paths. Such a child will have a fair chance to not feel guilty when things
do not go as expected and such a child will not indulge in self blame or
blaming others for misfortunes.

*Why is this understanding of sense organs, mind and action organs
important to understand sexuality and sex?*

It is important because, imprints about sexuality and sex on a child’s mind
will pretty much determine how it conducts itself as an adult.

*It is well known that adults who were sexually abused as children find it
very hard to trust people and find it very hard to sustain healthy and
wholesome relationships. *

The reason being the sense organs and the actions organs were violated by
someone who the child trusted. And hence the child grows up to never trust
one’s own senses organs and all actions stem from this mistrust. The mind
is imprinted with mistrust and a sense of shame and fear for one’s own self.

Such children need a lot of healing and therapy before they can clear the
old perceptions from their mind about sex and sexuality, before they can
have any meaningful and wholesome relationship with themselves and the
opposite sex.

On a milder note parents need to take care of their language and modes of
retribution that are used to impart messages about sex organs and genitals
to the child.

I shall explain with an example. Young children often make sense of their
own body and action organs with the help of sense organs by stimulating
them. One will often find toddlers putting things into their mouths, nose
or ears. It could be unsafe if the child puts dirty and small objects into
these organs, but certainly not shameful to do so. It is simply an act of
experiment for the child and a process used by children to make sense of
their bodies.

Most parents make a big hue and cry of this. Most adults I have seen, jump
up and rush to the child and snatch the things out of the child’s hands by
saying loudly this: “*Stop, NO, Chi chi, that is not good..etc*”.

The child often gets frightened and cries. Is there a better way to handle
this?

I think there is. Try providing the child with larger objects to smell and
taste. Try gently explaining to the child using sentences like, “I know you
want to get a feel of these things, but you know small things might get
stuck in your throat or nose or ears and that can cause damage to your
body.” And do this consistently. *Children are wiser than we think they are.
* They are the most perceptive when younger. Use this opportunity to feed
fearless perceptions into the child’s mind.

The same principle operates with sex organs and genitals. Most children
like to play with their penis or vagina. If the adult were to look at this
act as another version of putting things in the mouth, nose and ear then to
handle this would be much easier too.

As the child is doing the same thing, i.e. making sense of its body and
sense and action organs. But as adults we are already shameful of our own
genitals and feelings in that region so we project that on our children and
say things like: *“Chi chi, shame shame, dirty place don’t touch, you will
fall sick if you touch your willy or pussy”!*

It could be embarrassing for the parent to watch this. One way to deal with
this is to allow the child to bathe in tubs or splash pools and talk gently
to the child about the genitals and say things like: “Does it feel good
when you touch your penis or vagina?” “It is ok to feel good, but try not
to do it in front of any one other than mum or dad, as some people might
harm you. You could do it in the bath as long as you wish to or in bed when
you are alone with mum.” Talk to the grandparents about this too and stand
up for your child.

This way the child learns a few things about its body:

1. The names of all its sense and action organs and learns to call them
by their real names and not nicknames and also learns about their true
functions.
2. The child learns to love and respect all parts of the body.
3. The child learns how to protect its body from damage and harm.
4. The child also learns about good touch and bad touch.
5. The child also learns about pleasure and pain of the body.

All this learning goes a long way to help the child to grow up with a
healthy sense of self and body.

Such children know their bodies well and hence are better equipped to take
care of themselves and report to parents when some kind of abuse happens.
They also learn to protect themselves from potential abusers.

They also grow up to be adults who can have healthy sexual relationships
and know when to stay away from abusive ones.

But before a parent can embark on a journey of imparting sexual education
to her child, she needs to heal herself of possible wounds that were
inflicted on her when she was a child.

The only way to heal oneself as an adult is to do things differently with
our children. *Children give us adults the opportunity to treat ourselves
better than we were treated by our parents and the society. *

Sex and sexuality need not be feared. Sexuality has to be embraced with
love and kind attention, as a healthy sexual self is capable of living and
loving courageously and abundantly.

*A few points to remember:*

1. Do not shame your child for touching and exploring genitals and other
sexual parts.
2. Do not discourage your child from asking questions related to birth,
conceptions and sex.
3. Do not force information when not asked by the child.
4. Keep an open mind and create an environment of freedom and trust with
your child from the very start so that your child feels comfortable in
approaching you for sex and sexuality related questions. If you feel
inadequate, seek professional help or seek the help of a friend you trust
or read up on internet and from books. But do get back to your child and do
not avoid.
5. Answer all questions in a very matter of fact way. Avoid emotions
while responding to such questions and avoid moralizing while answering
such questions. Try and simply answer what is asked without any
interpretations.
6. Do not push too much. If the child is happy with an answer, let the
child be. Do not prod too much. If the child comes back again, answer again.
7. Try and watch films with simple love scenes like kissing, hugging,
couples lying naked in bed with sheets on them. There are many such movies.
Watch them with love and compassion without fear.
8. Try and display physical affection to your spouse in front of your
child. Kiss and embrace more often in front of your child. Cuddle up with
your spouse more often in the presence of your child. That way the child
sees what healthy physical intimacy between opposite sexes is like. Touch,
feel, hug, kiss and massage your child’s body a lot so that the child is
not left needy of physical affection and touch.
9. Stand up against sexual and physical violence in your family. Do not
put up with any abuse from spouse. Do not hide this from your child and
pretend all is well. Know what is wrong and right. That way your child will
also know what is acceptable and what is not and will grow up to be a
responsible adult who respects girls and women. And daughters will grow up
knowing when to say, “NO”.
10. Talk about other sexual orientations like homosexuality and
lesbianism and transgender when your child is a little older. Teach them to
be respectful of eunuchs and explain the science of it to them.
11. Discuss as a family, about media stories on rape and child abuse
and engage your older children in conversation and allow them to express
their views without moral sermons. Ask them what they feel should be done
to stop sexual violence.
12. Mostly educate yourself about sex and your own sexuality.

Leave the rest to God!

-Dola Dasgupta

--
Chitra Jha
Author
Mentor
Holistic Healer
Thought Provoker
Passionate Speaker
Empowerment Coach
http://mylife-mysuccess.blogspot.com
http://chitrabuddha.sulekha.com
http://thusspakechitrajha.blogspot.in

The journey to the light after an abusive relationship.........Is your partner a narcissist?

Tears and Healing; The journey to the light after an abusive relationship by Richard, 21CP
Is your partner a narcissist? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Narcissists work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.
So what is a narcissist? Someone who preens in front of the mirror all day in admiration? NOT! Ask yourself this: is your partner intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw? Narcissists will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. And, narcissists have extreme and illogical sensitivities, sometimes connecting the most minute observations with their intense fears of being seen as flawed. Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own "flawless" image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt on this image. If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a narcissist.
Overcome the Love Locking You In
Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationship changes due to children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big step up, too.  I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!
At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?
While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not!   The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we'll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.
Deal with the Abuse
Disordered people aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones. What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion.
The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Abusive relationships are very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
As I said already, dealing with feelings of love is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.
After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner's actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use - so painfully common among them - compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness
to be the second essential piece Richard, 21CP is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these groups for the past four years. His writing and publishing work now includes four books, and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance "from the inside out" have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.
Tears and Healing; The journey to the light after an abusive relationship

by Richard, 21CP

Get free sample sections by email!! - Click Here to Sign up

Edition:		Paperback, 180 pages
Price:		$20.00 online.  Ship for as little as $2 in the US
Availability:		In-stock: Usually ships within 2  US mail days
Publisher:		Dalkeith Press (2005)
ISBN:		1-933369-01-9

Oops: Why Mistakes Aren’t All Bad

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/oops-why-mistakes-arent-all-bad/?xid=nl_EverydayHealthLivingWithDepression_20130506

Oops: Why Mistakes Aren’t All Bad

By Therese Borchard

YOUR REACTION?

I Like It

So So

Inspiring

Intriguing

Important

10:00 a.m. Accidentally pressed “reply all” to everyone in my company, offering sincere condolences to a co-worker who lost her mom three years ago, which spurred dozens of emails companywide on who died, and whether or not the company should send flowers.
Oops.
10:50 a.m. Wrote a premature announcement on a website that I would not be blogging there anymore –which got me cut off from access to the blog.
Yikes.
12:00 p.m. Forgot my towel at the public pool. Had to air off using the hand and hair dryers.
Embarrassing.
5:30 p.m. Showed up at my daughter’s book group on time for once! The mom answers the door and tells me it’s next week.
Really?
That is an average beginning to most days. I try not to keep track of all my mistakes, but they are like my kids’ shoes: impossible to miss. Just when I think I have entered a space safe of them (utility closet), there they are.
I wish I could say that twelve years of therapy have helped me to accept my errors, but, honestly, all those hours on the couch haven’t made a dent in the self-flagellation exercises that consume most afternoons after a good blooper.
The other day, after passing my quota of blunders, I reached for Alina Tugend’s book, “Better by Mistake,” to legitimize and justify and make sweet all my slipups. She says in her pages that despite the current cultural pressure to be an overachieving perfectionist, it’s good to mess up. Perfectionism isn’t all that, and sometimes you can learn more by focusing on your mistakes.
There’s this one study I love that found that those high in perfectionism did worse on a writing task than those lower in perfectionism when judged by college professors who were blind to the difference in participants. Now mind you, there is small chance that those college professors just sent their own “someone has died and I’m not telling you who” email to the campus and are trying to rationalize their own oopsies, but I doubt it.
James Joyce wrote, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”
Consider Oprah. She began her career about 40 miles from my home as an anchorwoman for the Baltimore news. She was demoted because she became too emotional when interviewing people. She would cry on camera. So the station gave Oprah her own talk show. To get rid of her.
Author Tara Gold rattles off more examples in her book, “Living Wabi Sabi” (a Japanese concept of imperfection):

Babe Ruth struck out twice as often as he hit home runs. Albert Einstein failed his college entrance exam; teachers described him as “mentally slow, and adrift in foolish dreams.” Agatha Christie couldn’t spell; she had to dictate her mysteries. A young Walt Disney was fired from his first media job for “lack of imagination.” Michael Jordon was cut from his high school basketball team.

Granted, sound bites like those always sound sweeter in retrospect. But whose to say next week, I might be able to say to myself, “You know that towel that I forgot at the pool? Thank God it was left on my bedroom floor to soften a fall of my son as he launched his lacrosse ball at his sister.”
“The mass email? Turns out my co-worker and her family LOVED all the fruit baskets that were sent her way.”

What Is Sex Addiction?

A person addicted to sex is consumed with thoughts of sexual activity, yet may not take any pleasure from acting on them. Fortunately, there is treatment available for sexual addiction.

By Dennis Thompson Jr.

Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH

Sex addiction involves compulsive behavior, much like one might see in someone addicted to shopping, gambling, or surfing the Internet. Only in this case, the compulsive behavior revolves aroundsexual activity.

Some sex addicts may find they can't stop thinking about sex and neglect their work to engage in sexual daydreams or activities. Others indulge in sexually risky behaviors, going on "binges" in which they have sex with multiple partners or pay for prostitutes without any concern given to their current relationship. And still others may feel they have a so-called love addiction and try to fill a void in themselves with sexual activity.

Much of the time, people with a sex addiction barely enjoy what should be a pleasurable or deeply emotional experience. When these people try to stop their destructive sexual activities, they often find they either are unable to quit or eventually pick up their old habits again. Overcoming addiction is possible, but success may hinge on participation in addiction treatment and other forms of therapy.

Warning Signs of Sex Addiction

Sex addiction is not rare. Between 12 and 15 million people in the United States have a sexual addiction, according to some estimates.

Indications that a person might have a sex addiction include:

• Using sex to numb negative feelings or achieve a fleeting high
• Hiding sexual behaviors from your spouse
• Feeling that you've lost control over your sexual behavior
• Failing to heed self-imposed limits on your sexual behavior
• Finding that your sexual behavior has caused you to lose a relationship, fail at your job, or spend less time with your friends and family
• Knowing that your sexual behaviors could lead to problems in your life if people knew about them
• Finding that you can’t permanently quit harmful sexual behaviors

Behaviors Typical of a Person With a Sex Addiction

People who are sex addicts exhibit four distinct types of behavior:

• They are preoccupied with thoughts of sex, which causes a continually high level of arousal that prompts sexual behavior.
• Their preferred sexual behaviors become ritualized, as they repeat similar activities or re-enact certain situations again and again. These behaviors are not necessarily intended to provideorgasm; they may serve to just constantly elevate the person's arousal levels.
• They engage in sexual activity even though they experience negative consequences or truly want to stop what they're doing.
• They feel intense guilt or shame over their sexual behavior and their inability to control themselves and regret the pain they've caused others through their actions.

There are many different reasons why a person might experience sexual addiction. The cause may be biochemical, with the person becoming addicted to the release of hormones and other brain chemicals that comes with sexual intercourse or climax. The cause also might be emotional, with a perceived love addiction sending them from sexual partner to sexual partner in a desperate attempt to feel cared for and valued. Sex addiction can grow out of early childhood abuse or as a result of chronic stress, depression, or anxiety.

Sex Addiction Treatment and Management

Sexual addiction treatment follows many of the same techniques that are used in overcoming addiction to gambling, shopping, and other behaviors. These include:

• Therapy. Doctors have found that a combination of individual and couples therapy can help a person better understand and confront their addiction. The goal is to re-establish a healthy sex lifebased on shared intimacy, joys, and emotions rather than compulsions.
• 12-step programs. It can be very helpful for a sex addict to join a 12-step program. These provide moral and emotional support, as well as a degree of accountability from other group members.
• Medication. Some drugs can help control a person's sex drive. These include anti-anxiety drugs, tricyclic antidepressants, progestational agents, and serotonin enhancers. However, doctors have found that taking these drugs alone does not serve as an ultimate cure for sex addiction, much as cleaning the home of a chronic hoarder will not stop the person from creating clutter again.

Sex addiction is a serious behavioral problem that requires an equally serious commitment to stop. Getting help is usually necessary to rebuild an existing relationship or be able to create a truly meaningful one.